Friday, September 14, 2012

25 Reasons Why I'm Glad I'm Not A Woman

25. We get cooler toys- From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Wolverine to new tech gear and fast cars; the toys guys get are just plain cooler, hands down. For proof look at the movie theatre.  Movies associated with toys and comic books for boys: X-Men, Iron Man, Spider-man, Transformers, Batman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Avengers, Ghost Busters, and G.I. Joe to name a few. Do you see any Barbie movies coming out? I don’t see My Little Ponies lighting up the box office any time soon. Why? Cause boys get cooler toys.
24. Drama – In general, women have to put up with more relational drama than guys do. Part of this is because guys are simpler; we don’t have layers of unspoken telepathic meaning behind what we say, and we don’t root around looking for it in what other people say. On top of that you have the mean girls and cliques, and people that you’re not supposed to like because of how they looked at your friend’s friend boyfriend that one time. It can get pretty ridiculous.
23. Make-up and Hair – Do you know what I do to get ready in the morning? I get out of the shower, I brush my teeth, put on deodorant, take my cholesterol medication, towel my hair dry, put on clothes and leave. Done.  And I have long curly hair too! I’m so glad that I don’t have to deal with mascara and lip-stick and frizz gel and foundation and moisturizing under eye cream and anti-aging serum and straight irons and curling irons and wavy irons and Jeremy Irons, and lip gloss and eye shadow and eye liner and, and, and . . . it’s just too much for me to want to deal with.
22. Inability to make decisions/not knowing what they want – How many women do you know who actually know what they want out of life? Again, men are simple and focused, we know what we want and we get it.
21. Bras – I never knew how much of a bane these were until I got married. Underwires, twisty straps that don’t stay in place, latches that break and come undone at the worst moments. Not fun.
20. Linear vs. Non-linear thought – I believe I read a study some time from some reputable news source that revealed a basic difference in how men and women think. Men are linear, progressing, generally from one point to the next in a linear progression. Women think like spaghetti; they’re all over the place all the time. That’s one reason why women are so much better at multi-tasking; they can juggle multiple trains of thought at once. Still, I like my linear thinking. I like being able to follow a single line of thought all the way through to its conclusion without getting distracted. It’s fun, you should try it some time.
19. Bathing Suits – I’m so glad that I’m not expected to strip down to near nakedness just to go swimming. I like to wear my cargo shorts and a t-shirt when I go swimming. For women, even one piece suits let half your butt hang out and come dangerously close to the lady bits. I can’t imagine having to wear those things, I’d be extremely self-conscious.
18. Women are Evil – Watch and learn:
Time = Money; Women = Time x Money; therefore Women = Money2.
Now, √All Evil = Money; i.e. All Evil = Money2; Women = All Evil.
It’s just a simple law of the Universe; women are evil and men are stupid. I’d rather be stupid than evil.
17. Shaving – Women have to shave both legs, both armpits, and have to shave, pluck or wax hair off their face, if applicable. Men, we have to shave our face, unless we have a beard, and if we miss a few days we look “rugged.” If women miss a few days they also look “rugged.” But we pull off the look better.
16. Body Image – I know that men can have body image issues too, but women seem to have it way worse than we do. Everywhere they look they are bombarded with images of what they “should” look like; and many of those images are unobtainable through healthy practices.
15. Map Reading – In our family, my wife is unquestionably the better of the two of us at finding her way around places she’s been before. However, once we get into unfamiliar territory and have to get out the map? Just give it to me. When we got married, the Atlas she had in her car was older than she was; I think it had a map for the Nevada Territory! I like maps.
14. Kid watch – Why is it that we just assume that any and every girl is automatically good with kids? Just like guys, not all women like kids or even know what to do with them. Just because they can carry them doesn’t mean they want to or should watch them.
13. Making bank in pro sports – Not that this was ever really an option for me personally, but if you want to make a career of sports, you’re much better off as a guy. Nothing against the WNBA, but when you’re competing for dollars and viewers with LeBron James and Kevin Durant, well, good luck.
12. Not being taken seriously – Whether she’s going to buy a car, trying to voice an opinion in a meeting, trying to have a philosophical discussion, or just trying to make ends meet, it seems to me that women have to work harder to be taken seriously, be listened to with respect, and get the same compensation as men.
11.  I don’t like men – We’re hard, scratchy, dumb, inarticulate, and have hair in weird places. We’re like big radioactive bears stumbling out of a nuclear reactor. Honestly, I think most of us are kind of surprised that you like us. Women are soft, smooth, and they smell nice. We definitely get the better side of this deal.
10. Guys can leave the house with fewer than 20 items – When I leave I have a four items that I make sure I have with me: keys, wallet, phone, glasses. Anything else I need I can improvise for. Women can’t leave without a gunny sack filled with provisions for a 3 week stand-off. They’ve got lip balm, and gum, and lady things, and a coin purse with no coins in it, and lip stick, and an address book, and lip gloss, and a phone with their address book in it, and lip liner, and pens, and pencils, and markers, and a small dry erase board, and chap stick, and water, and snacks, and grape jelly, and a pillow, and a sleeping mat, and a small camping stove. I swear, some of these purses are like clown cars opening into an alternate dimension.
9. Being expected to do the domestic chores – On a certain level, I get this. Guys are ok with a much lower standard of living than girls are, generally speaking. So if you want to live in a clean house, but I don’t care, then why am I supposed to be the one who cleans? Answer: because you love her. If you love her, then you will help keep the house in a way that will make her relaxed and comfortable, even if it’s more than you need. It’s not fair to expect women to work full time and come home and do all the household chores; it’s just not.
8. Boobs – Don’t get me wrong, I like these as much as the next guy; but I don’t want them coming out of my chest. They result in back-aches; they hurt when they move around too much; and, there’s no way to hide them. No matter what you do or what you wear, they are always evident.
7. Being vulnerable – This is a corollary of the preceding. As a guy, I can carry something that other people want, or I can put it down. I can walk around with a wad of hundreds in my hand, or I can leave that at home; and, even if I do have something that other people want, I can hide it so people don’t know I have it. Women are something that other people want; they can never put down their status as a woman or leave it at home if they go someplace dangerous. People will always know that they are a woman, and that femininity is something that some people are willing to get violent for.
6. Menopause – Hot flashes, hormone imbalances, mood swings, crying at hallmark commercials, psychological factors. All in all, something I’m glad I don’t have to go through.
5. Periods – See Menopause, except add extreme cramping, monthly recurrence, dealing with tampons/pads, mood swings, and PMS jokes from co-workers. Again, all in all, glad I don’t have to deal with this.
4. Really long lines at bathrooms – I don’t know if small bladders increasing the frequency of visits, or more going on and needing to be taken care of, or mood swings, or what, but if a girl has to go, she’d better get ready to wait cause it’s gonna be awhile. Maybe this is why most Women’s restrooms feature couches, end tables, cable tv, and a mini-fridge.
3. Pap smears – yeah.
Oh, and mood swings.
2. Pregnancy – Possible symptoms of pregnancy – nausea, bloating, flatulence, increased urination, fatigue, hyper-sensitive olfactory sense, excess saliva, constipation, heartburn, weird cravings, headaches, dizziness, mood swings, panic attacks, congestion, sensitive gums, swelling, varicose veins, getting beat up from the inside, backache, foot aches, leg cramps, swelling, stretch marks, insomnia, moderate to severe general achiness, nosebleeds, carpal tunnel, numbness, hemorrhoids, shortness of breath, and pain. And those are just the nouns! Your body gets taken over by what is, for all purposes, a parasite for nine months, twisting it out of proportion and forcing you to carry around 40 extra pounds for nine months straight. Is it worth it? By all accounts yes. Is it pleasant? Not a chance.
1. Labor – If there is any discussion on this, then you obviously haven’t witnessed a live birth. Mothers will tell you different, but I’ve seen this in action, and rest assured, it deserves the number one spot.
So, men, thank God that you’re a man, and treat the ladies in your life well; they deserve it. Ladies, for all you do for us, all you put up with from us, and all you go through: Thank You. You are appreciated.

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